common knoledge

everyone has a pre-conceived answer to what they feel is a moral issue. while this is a good thing I do not think that it is wise to determine that everything in life is black and white.. there is a grey space in between. at times its hard to tell when the grey becomes black and at times you might think you are well within your own limits when suddenly the ref call offsides. The point that I am trying to make is that every person will make what they are told is a mistake and it is human nature to want to feel bad or to regret such a thing.
what if I were to tell you that there is no right or wrong decisions? don't take me for an atheist.. I'm certainly not.. rather let me explain, where are you in your life right now? are you happy? are you lonely? are you in a state of contentment? that state of being is exactly where you deserve to be. you have made choices that have let you to this point some of them were well conceived decisions and some of them seemingly just happened to you. I'll tell you right now that nothing happens to anyone... every person brings upon themselves the events in their life. lets put into play a real life situation... a friend of yours is going through relationship problems.. you are his only friend so he tells you about it.. every day. you start to see the world through his eyes and are lest trusting of women and relationships in general.. this attitude starts to show eventually and your girlfriend notices.. she not knowing the situation begins to think that you are growing apart or maybe that you don't love her anymore. as untrue as all of this is it doesn't stop her from thinking it, additionally you don't trust her enough to have a deep talk with her. so she finds a different guy who is open and who understands her. and she leaves you for him because you are emotionally closed off. you first response is "why did this happen to me.. ?" well it didn't.. you wanted it to happen so it did ... but it didn't just happen to you without provocation.. you allowed yourself to become someone you are not because your friend was having a hard time. you changed.. you became a different person, going forward you will have a better understanding and greater appreciation for what you already have and will be a happier person for it.. therefore... you being selfish and cold was not a wrong decision it was just a choice that you made that had consequences however it has got you to where you are now and you could not have been there without it. you are happier because you made a decision. there is a constant pattern here that we would be well to observe.
pain is a hallway that has two doors... one leads to bitterness and the other leads to happiness.. if you choose bitterness you will end up back in the hallway, many will live their whole life in bitterness and pain, these people are truly insane.. if you think I'm insensitive look up the definition of insane "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein"... the conclusion that I am trying to draw is that there are no right and wrong decisions... there are decisions that lead to pain and bitterness and there are decisions that lead to happiness.. the latter is not wrong.. the former is not right.. its is simply the way a person chooses to live their life. whether they know it or not people who live in the hallway have chosen to be there whether through omission or through insanity.. they deserve to be there until they decide to leave.

The English Patient

I have not read a book so compelling... so gripping since Crime and punishment... I truly believe that this book has changed the way that I think a little.. this book is a mystical web of dreams. Shocking.. spellbinding.. and at times uncomfortable in its accusations against humanity... the book makes one wish to be- as the main character put it (who I can not tell you the name of because he remains nameless for most of the book... with good purpose)- an international bastard ( I mean that not in the cussing sense of the word but in the actual meaning) I will give you some intro to the book (just a few of my favorite passages) perhaps to invoke the curiosity that struck me upon browsing through it briefly at the library 2 days ago...

she entered a story knowing she would emerge from it feeling she had been immersed in the lives of others, in plots that stretched back twenty years, her body full of sentences and moments as if awakening from sleep with a heaviness caused by unremembered dreams

her father had taught her about hands, About a dog's paws. whenever her father was alone with a dog in the house he would lean over and smell the skin at the base of his paw this he would say as if coming away from a brandy snifter is the greatest smell in the world a bouquet great rumours of travel she would pretend disgust but the dog's paw was a wonder the smell of it never suggested dirt it's a cathedral her father had said, so-and-so's garden that Field of grass a walk through the cyclamen a concentration of hints of all the paths the animal had taken during the day
I believe this. when we meet those we fall in love with there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant, who imagines or remembers a meeting when the other had passed by innocently, just as Clifton might have opened a car door for you a year earlier and ignored the fate of his life. but all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur

FYI... I read I just don't update

8 Things I am Passionate About:

• My new family (Cathrine)


• My old friends


• My country


• The Gospel of Happiness


• MUSIC!!


• My Garden


• Anything old school (Frank Sinatra, chivalry, Victorian homes etc.)


• Antiques (the hunting for and collecting of...)

8 Words or Phrases I Say Often:

• Frick


• "well crap..."


• shoulda woulda coulda ... didn't


• ige (ex: shoe-ige, or suck-ige)


• "I'll break your face!!!"


• Shut up


• what? (Just in general.. I never know whats going on... )


• I hate you! (I don't really ... it means I love you coming from me)

8 Things I want to do before I Die:

• Go sky diving


• Join the Navy


• Go on a mission


• Climb Mt Everest


• graduate college... uhg


• Meet the president


• Open a pizza parlor


• Run for Governor

8 Things I Have Learned From my Past:

• Pain is weakness leaving the body.


• Life is easy... like nailing Jello to a tree.


• Women are complicated


• Love is VERY complicated


• numbers 3 and 4 ... are worth the effort


• Good always wins


• Just because something isn't true, doesn't mean you can't believe it.


• You can be bitter.. or you can be better

8 Places I Would Love to Go or See:

• China


• India


• Denmark


• England


• Egypt


• Rome


• Jerusalem


• Russia

8 Things I Currently Need or Want:

• The PIN number to my new ATM card... I lost/ forgot it..


• A prime rib sandwich (I'm addicted to Quiznos)


• Cathrine


• MORE CUSTOMERS!!! (I've had the doors open for an hour and have not helped even one person....)


• more money... (never hurts)


• some new jeans


• My check stub


• An America First Credit Union In Tooele (thats where I work)

8 people I tag

Cathrine... who I doubt reads my blog anymore. ummm Edith, Duane, and susie.. and YOU!!! whoever you are... you know.

Video games

My thoughts on the media...(the water is deeper than you think)

With Great mustache comes great responsibility...

Let me introduce you to Malachi... an observer--first let me explain.. I have classified people into to four groups.. Instructors, do-ers, followers, and observers.. the do-ers are obvious.. they have most of the ambition but lack the leadership skills to be an instructor.. instructors had plenty of ambition but are now elevated above do-ing because they did very well at one time and someone noticed. That or they did someone very well at one time.. that's a different story. Followers are also obvious because they are following... either a doer or an instructor... either way they are 80% of the people in the world they do things just like the do-ers but they lack the originality and ambition to be called a do-er.. now observers... they are a confusing sort.. in a way they have the leadership skills to become a very good instructor, they have the adaptability to blend in as a follower (if they wish) they would almost be mistaken for an instructor or a do-er if someone were to observe them closely... but they choose to stay out of the line of sight. They have watched the ladder and know how it works.. they could use it to their advantage but choose not to because they either feel they are above it OR they lack the self confidence to climb.. They know much more about you then you might have wanted them to but don't be afraid.. they wont tell.. to motive an observer into a do-er would be a great task and is not accomplished often but is worth the effort for both them and those responsible for helping them.-- ok.. now that you have had your educational seminar on work habits... let me refocus on the original story.. Malachi... a 7 year old kid who doesn't talk much... my step-nephew... sort of, how he is related is a long story but I have chosen to call him my nephew out of convenience. Im minding my own... playing Atomic Bomberman with my headphones in when he comes up beside me watching the screen intently... I didnt notice him until I turned my head and he was already there... I know he is only 7 but holy frick... PERSONAL SPACE!! that is my pet peeve (even though I don't like to use that expression) I have a bubble.. I have what you might call humaphobia ( the fear-- more intolerance-- of un-invited contact with other humans) Malachi is however not the worst offender so I should cut him some slack.. but my mother.... uhhhhg!... personal enemy number one (in this sense, I don't hate my mom guys, get off my frickin back!!).. her hands are always cold and clammy too.. to top it off... she whispers , ok not really whispering... more like speaking loudly in a whispy manner.. she does this into your ear while holding you by the arm EVERY TIME SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU!! its never anything that needed to be kept a secret either.. not that it would have been everyone can hear her in spite of how much she thinks she is being discreet by "whispering".. I've lost sight of the point I once had to this post.. I hope I hit it...

You know what charm is? Its a way of getting a Yes without having asked a clear question.

I hate living at home... have I mentioned that? for real.. If I want to leave my fan on all day to keep my room from getting too hot that is my own darn business! dang it. and another thing.. I never eat at home.. I'm home maybe 2 hours a day and I am asked to pay for groceries... Grrr!! So glad I'm going to Boot camp in two months.

Home-Pro made Pizza

My brother-in-law Nathan makes some frickin amazing pizza.. I myself (even as good of a cook as I am) can not rival his Pizza making skills! he is in fact going into the catering business. so here's the plug. "Nathans Pizza" a home based catering service that makes mostly Pizza but also several other yummys. serving only the Salt Lake valley FOR NOW... but I'm sure for a large order he would concider the other parts of the SLC Metro area... but then again Im not his marketing director so you had better ask him first. Pizza is intended for large groups and must be ordered at leas 24 hours in advance but a single pizza can also be ordered!! alright that's my plug here's the link http://nathanspizza.bravehost.com/ordering.html

Insightful wisdom from a wise old friend...

Maybe its time to JUST DO IT. No more talking about it, no more blogging about it. Decide what it is that you WANT and DO IT.

I have a friend, who has always given good advice, and one whos opinion I have always taken personally. the words you see above are not my own... that are that of this friend .. when given at first I confess I was offended. But as these stories often go I have come to see the importance of these words.. Since my post "where are they now" I have not blogged often.. not much at all.. I have not told people about the choices I have made until after they are done... and I have started going back to church... now... I'll admit that the latter can be attributed mostly to a devoted and slightly invasive elders quorum president but was sparked by my new found disgust for where my life was headed.. Like the words of Elizabeth to Mr. Darcey " You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me..."

With this in mind... there are a few things that I feel I am ready to make public just in case you haven't figured or heard yet..

I have joined the Navy. The contract is signed and it would take a jail sentence to get out of it. And no Toni... I'm not going to be a SEAL.. I've grown out of that phase... I am however going to be in special forces... just not that one

I AM GETTING MARRIED!!! I have told Joe and Michelle only because it was necessary ... but its not like you all haven't figured it out anyway.. and yes It's Cathrine... Don't anyone dare tell her I've told you already... she would be upset due to the fact that I swore her to secrecy until I buy a ring.

I haven't cut my hair since October... OK that didn't really belong here but its an accomplishment that I am supremely proud of. and it looks awesome. It comes down past my nose which you all know is un-naturally (Jewish..ish) big to begin with.

Mel Brooks has a big nose too so it's OK... I have decided..

So does Karly Spencer (that skanky but kinda pretty girl from high school... )

OK that's it.. thank you again my insightful friend..

goodnight, good luck

there are several times throughout my day that I would like to just burst out and smack somebody..... its not always the same person just at moments of peak idiocy I want to smack the person the anti-intelligence is comming from.... I'll relate the following story as an example of stupid human behavior that I encounter nearly every day; Im sitting at the bus stop in front of the trax waiting for my bus of course when a train that clearly says on the sign "out of service" slowly makes its way to the station but is also clearly not stopping when I hear from behind me a commotion.. I turn to see a group of old women -and close behind im assuming their husbands- hobbling after the train waiving their hands at the train as if to signal him that he forgot to stop at the station.. so of course in an effort to make them sit down and shut up the driver turns on his intercom and loudly says" this train is not in service!!!" then the driver brings the train to a stop.. I can only assume to keep the idiots from hurting themselves.. and they angrily start pushing the buttons on the doors which are of course not opening... so the driver says again "this train is not in service" when one of the old bats yells " then why is it stopped!!"

...I guess she told him

Just to prove that I still have a computer

3 joys:
1. Cathrine.. (that was an "awwww" moment... Yes I can hear you)
2. Fresh vegtables
3. The sultrey smell of Laundry detergent

3 fears
1. Spiders
2. ummm Spiders...
3. Becoming the male version of my mother

3 goals
1. loose 30 pounds before boot camp
2. be able to do more than 1 push up.... before boot camp..
3. be temple worthy... hopefully before boot camp... maybe not..

3 current obsessions/collections
1. Obsession= Cathrine
2. Collection= Sugar packets from All night Diners
3. Collection= camping stuff

3 random surprising facts about yourself
1. I don't like myself... at all..... (it's sad but im working on it)
2. No one has ever suprised me... I study people and am more observant than I let on sometimes
3. I know sign language.... somtimes I wish I was deaf so I didnt have to talk at all..

Where are they now??

Maybe it was time? maybe its was fate, likely its just a little dumb luck..



All of us have changed so much in three years. in about a month it will have been three years since I found friends who mattered to me. Joe, Becca, Toni, and Michelle. In only that time Toni has been married, with child and divorced, Becca has been to and from a mission, Michelle has changed completely, and Joe has changed teams. I on the other hand have done nothing new, haven't been to school yet, I've had 7 jobs in the past three years, gained 38 pounds, Also ... I'm a boomerang kid... (I live at home now for those of you who did not know) . I'm not whining I don't want your sympathy, but I am writing this in hope that by the time I'm through I will have sorted out a few things. It.. therapy you could say, My own little psychiatric evaluation of myself. and since I'm sure no one reads this anymore I'm safe to say what ever I feel like saying with out fear of repercussions. I'm not really happy with the man that I have become, and I am not important to anyone... why is that? is it my detachment from life in general that has caused me to be alienated from everyone I one thought I knew. or is it self loathing and a serious inefficient from of self destruction? the only thing I really think about lately is what I could be. and how I could have been had my situation been different. its certainly a destructive pattern in my failed attempts to figure myself out I have become vauge and void of feeling. and now I'm more alone than ever. something must be done to change the path that I am on. obviously nothing I have done before has worked so I will try somthing new. ..... so the solution is do do exactly the opposet of what I would normally do.

nomad of dreams

If I had wings I would not use them
of that one thing I am sure

its not that I don’t long to fly- like the dreamers and poets before me

its not that I fear the experience ,
although, i do have an aversion to heights
My reason is this, simple and clear;
every creature that flys must eventually land

I do not wish to fly with restrictions I long to be a creature of the sky

unbounded,
unchained,
eternally liberated by flight
a nomad of dreams

thoughtless

entangled,
thoughtless peering ...
into the dark,

at once
an awakening;
there is no escape

It soon would consume her but how?

"Is it with force that the deamon will overtake me?

Or by terror,
by fear?"
not fear of death
or at least not of mortal form
but of love,
the face of the deamon is love it's self...

the tarnished, weathered soul grows colder;
each passing.

into the darkness she stares
her eyes can preceive what lies within
but she is unaware...

she sees what bright eyed innocence is blind to
but she is unaware...

like a feline creature she absorbs the darkness
and thrives

is not to be loved
can not love
she is love,
an uncertianty

"The road to happiness lies in two simple principles; find what interests you and that you can do well, and put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have." – John D. Rockefeller

These words speak boldly to me. For as many times as I have searched I have not found such a thing. I wonder can it be possible? how is it that everyone around me seems to be so happy? I've been taught to believe there is a light at the end of every dark lonely tunnel. But its a lie. The only light at the end of the tunnel is the headlights on the Mack truck thats about to run you over.

you can meet as his location but you better come with cash...

it would seem to me that there is more to life than what most of us think. Not to proclaim myself a visionary but I don't buy in to the everyday charade we play. In the morning we get up, say our prayers read our scriptures brush our teeth and go to work. While I agree with wholesome living I think there is more to it. We can choose to live. day in and day out. simply living is not an option, there is somthing bigger. there are people in our world, people who are not able to live day to day. there are people who are void of the small comforts we take for granted. god instructed that we are to first seek the kingdom of god before riches then blessing will follow. how many of us really could spare some change when we pass someone on the street who is down on his luck? why then do you not share the abundence that was given to you. so he might buy beer with it. who are you to tell him how to live his life, if your not going to give him money the least you could do is treat him like a real person. Who really is the bigger fool the man asking for money or the seemingly good person who just lied TO A MAN WHO HAS NOTHING about the $1.50 in their pocket God has given us the power to do anything.. littereally we are capable of anything we want to do if we can just have enough faith in him and in ourselves. why would you want to waste all that power on getting up everyday and simply going through the motions. we can do so much more, so much more.

the greatest thing we'll ever learn is just... to love, and be loved in return

Love is the thing that will break or take us. It is the greatest and most fear instilling power to captivate. I must say I dont understand the way that it works. too many times I have thought that I knew what it was. I thought that someone loved me once. but I have come to realize that she can not. that I am not capible of reciving such an awe inspiring power. In a way it is liberating to know that I am not bound by the obligations that go along with love and commitment but. what I wouldnt give to be so obligated if only someone would recipicate those feelings to me. I fear perhaps that I am not capable of love.

This is not the end, this is not the begining of the end, it is the end of the begining.

As far as I knew It didnt matter entirely (though partially) how you got to where you were going as long as you end up in the right place. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. If there is one thing that I know its that I dont have to be a main stream lemming to get what I want out of life. there are far more liberating paths I have chosen to take. Some by default some by blatent, willful disreguard for the general populus whos only desire is to fit in. To be just like everyone else. I choose life. I choose to live my life. I am the best person I know how to be. I will do, and have done the best that I am able. That in its self is enough for me. I will concede that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvment, don't get me wrong Im no saint, Im mearly a revolutionary, a free thinker of sorts. I follow my own rules and blaze my own trail through the rough terrain of life. I am undaunted by uncharted wilderness, I have within me a gift bestowed from God to know right from wrong. I can choose for myself what I must do. I am free, we are free.